Getting Old IS A Laughing Matter

  

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors or Soon To Be...

I'm starting to get sensitive about this genre

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!) 

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. 

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too. 

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!! 

10. Don't even think about trying it twice

Some of these are just plain mean...

'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

'OLD' IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 

'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

 'OLD' IS WHEN.... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.. 

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom

'OLD' IS WHEN.... You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

He Went to a Phone Booth 

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab." He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." "Hello," the woman says. She sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

Rodney Dangerfield remembered:

'I sat next to a guy in a restaurant who was so old it took him two trips to pass the salt and  pepper.'

' I told my dentist that my  teeth were turning yellow.He told me to wear a brown tie

Definitions for real-life…

Definitions for real-life…

COLLEGE: A place where parents pay, and children play.

LIFE INSURANCE: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

NURSE: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

MARRIAGE: “An agreement in which the husband loses his bachelor's degree, and the wife gains her masters.”

TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and in the end, everybody disagrees.

FATHER: A banker provided by nature.

BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late, and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections, and good-for-nothing after.

HOSPITAL: An institution that cures your ills by pills, and then kills you with bills.

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

COMMITTEE: A group of officials who can do nothing individually, and then decide that nothing can be done together.

Bonus :

FREE E-book: 10 Natural Ways to Support the Immune System Without Vaccines

How Bad Is The Economy?

This is how bad the economy is:

THE DOLLAR STORE is now the $1.25 Store. 

1. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can not afford batteries.

3. CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

4. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

5. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

6. If the bank returns your check marked ‟Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

7. McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

8. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

9. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

10.A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

11. A picture is now only worth 200 words.

12. THE DOLLAR STORE is now the $1.25 Store. This last one is fact.

 

NOOM -Stop Dieting. A healthier you, wherever you are. Top New weight loss without the effort

 #diet #stopdieting #health

#weightloss

Words to Live By

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older: 

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. 

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

 #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 #6 Men have two motivations: hunger and sex, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. 

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. 

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 ##3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow

 All of us could take a

Lesson

Some Short Ones 

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again." The blonde turns and says, "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey beeatch!" 

Q: What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid? A: "No, she isn't."

Q: If "I am" is the shortest sentence in the world, what is the longest sentence? A: "I do!"

True Transcriptions from Court Reporters

Court Reporter: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES???? These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan! 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 

WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 

WITNESS: July 18th. 

ATTORNEY: What year? 

WITNESS: Every year. 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 

WITNESS: Forty-five years. 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

WITNESS: I forget. 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 

WITNESS: Getting laid 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 

WITNESS: None. 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 

WITNESS: By death. 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 

WITNESS: Take a guess. 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 

WITNESS: Oral... 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 

And last: 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 

WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 

WITNESS: No.. 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Elderly Couple 

An “elderly” couple go to the doctor. The wife says, “Can you see if there is something you can do for him. We haven’t had sex in a long time. We tried everything and nothing works, not even the miracle pill.” The doctor performs a number of tests and calls them back into his office. 

Well, you have 3 options: 1) for $5,000 we can perform minor surgery and you can have sex twice a year. 2) for $10,000, a little more complicated surgery, you can have sex every 3 months. 3) for $35,000 we can perform major surgery and you can have sex once a month.

Please go out to the waiting room and discuss your options and let me know your decision. A half hour later they come back into the office. The doctor asks, have you made a decision. 

Yes, we have, says the couple. What have you decided? We decided to redo the kitchen...

Birthday Wishes?

Birthday! Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Never Too Old...

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life ...

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People' 

2. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 

3. My mind works like lightning … one brilliant flash and it is gone. 

4. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 

6. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

9. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way...

Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor? You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. 

 SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

 WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

 BEATLES OR STONES: I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight track tapes. 

MEMORIES I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

 MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

AND FINALLY: A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench. She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years". She then said, "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!". He then said, "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!". She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife! She was stunned again and after a long long pause she said, “So you're SINGLE???”