Monday, September 28, 2020

15 Classic Magazine Ads


15 Classic Magazine Ads



Famous Quotes, er, Quotes By Famous People (the Quotes may not be so famous)


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad. 



Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have  
remained a virgin.'


- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter.  Let’s not forget Billie)




I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'


- Eleanor Roosevelt




Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.


- Mark Twain




The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.


- George Burns




Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.


- Victor Borge




Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


- Mark Twain




By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,  
you'll become a philosopher.


- Socrates




I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


- Groucho Marx




My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.


- Jimmy Durante




I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.


- Zsa Zsa Gabor




Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:  
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.


- Alex Levine




My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.


- Rodney Dangerfield




Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.


- Spike Milligan




Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.


- Joe Namath




I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.


- Bob Hope




I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.


- W. C. Fields




We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.


- Will Rogers




Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.


- Winston Churchill




Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,  
fall out, or spread out.


- Phyllis Diller




By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good spit it out.




May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.



Sent from my iPhone...
Excuse mistakes

Calvin The Deplorable 14 Funnies


CALVIN the Deplorable 15 Funnies

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Obituary of an old friend

Subject: Obituary-Common Sense, a classic


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

Why the early bird gets the worm;

Life isn't always fair; and

Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.



BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF NORTH KOREA: You have two cows. The government sentences you to jail for 50 years, for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. Then they put the two cows, where they are irradiated by a nuclear bomb.

ENVIROMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the rules say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most"need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Gangster Crew shows up and takes however many cows you have.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have no cows. But you are blasted by commercials that assure you that you have a thousand cows, a thousand bulls, and a ranch bigger than Texas. But you have no cows, no chickens, and no farm or ranch.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million-dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

Saturday, September 19, 2020

Two Old Jewish Men...

Two Old Men. Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

Well, it seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.

"Sam," says Moe, "you know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives.  Sam, you gotta' do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my
friend many years. This favor I'll do for you."  And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant
voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good
news and some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."

"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday!"

Happy Jewish New Year and a Abraham Middle East Peace Deal!

#middleeast #trump #peace

Blameless Society

Seen on Next Door...

Teenager yelling curse words down Moraga Road. Moraga Parents:
If you are the parent to a teenage boy who enjoys yelling “fuck you” to runners and pedestrians walking down Moraga Road please checkyour kid’s behavior.
Its not
The first time...Others told of simar stories while others made excuses ...

50 imaginative excuses of a blameless society: 

Today’s Topic: Things to account for the offensive behaviour of an abusive kid:

- Tourette’s syndrome. 

-  Rap Music.

- Underdeveloped pre frontal cortex.

- Evil Ventriloquist. 

- Hornet infested wardrobe.

- Hijack: Person other than said kid is actually shouting expletives while we assume it is the poor hostage kid instead.

- Radio playing senate hearing live and loud. 

- Soul possessed by banshee. 

- Preparing to audition as zombie slaying hero in yet another remake of movie Zombie Apocalypse very seriously. 

- Picked up hitchhiking Rumpelstiltskin and regrets it intensely and vociferously. 


Please add to the list. 

Most creative entry gets believed.