Monday, May 30, 2022

Getting Old IS A Laughing Matter


Lovemaking Tips For Seniors or Soon To Be...

I'm starting to get sensitive about this genre

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!) 

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. 

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too. 

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!! 

10. Don't even think about trying it twice

Some of these are just plain mean...

'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

'OLD' IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 

'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

 'OLD' IS WHEN.... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.. 

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom

'OLD' IS WHEN.... You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

He Went to a Phone Booth 

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab." He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." "Hello," the woman says. She sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

Rodney Dangerfield remembered:

'I sat next to a guy in a restaurant who was so old it took him two trips to pass the salt and  pepper.'

' I told my dentist that my  teeth were turning yellow.He told me to wear a brown tie