Monday, December 28, 2020

12 things to consider after closing the door on 2020

Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:  

1.     The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2.     I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone.  He asked me what I was wearing.

3.     2019:  Stay away from negative people.  2020:  Stay away from positive people.

4.     The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5.     This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog.  It was obvious she thought her dog understood her.  I came into my house & told my cat.  We laughed a lot.

6.     Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.  Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7.     Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8.     This virus has done what no woman has been able to do.  Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9.     I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10.    I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11.    I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard.  I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12.    Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

Merry Christmas to all and here’s hoping for a happier and healthier New Year!

Feel free to copy and paste, I did 🤣

Friday, December 25, 2020

The Accident and Puns for Educated Minds plus Everyone Needs A Hug

The Accident

Husband's call to wife: "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunatelyit did not cause any serious internal injury. HoweverI have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly. However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East. 

Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?

Puns for Educated Minds

 1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 
3 She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. 
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 
5. No matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationery. 
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
8. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 
14 A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
17. A backward poet writes inverse. 
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' 
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 
25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Everyone Needs A Hug -

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Dems' Modus Operandi

Dems' Modus Operandi -The Lawyer with 12 kids

A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children,

needed to move because his rental agreement

was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said, he had 12 children,

no one would rent a home to him because they

felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children,

because he couldn't lie.

Now we all know lawyers cannot, and do not lie...

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to

see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and

the price was right -- the agent asked:

"How many children do you have?

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered

“Well, they're in the cemetery with their mother."


MORAL: It's not necessary to lie,

one only has to choose the right words…

and don't forget,

most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.




Monday, September 28, 2020

15 Classic Magazine Ads


15 Classic Magazine Ads



Famous Quotes, er, Quotes By Famous People (the Quotes may not be so famous)


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad. 



Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have  
remained a virgin.'


- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter.  Let’s not forget Billie)




I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'


- Eleanor Roosevelt




Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.


- Mark Twain




The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.


- George Burns




Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.


- Victor Borge




Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


- Mark Twain




By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,  
you'll become a philosopher.


- Socrates




I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


- Groucho Marx




My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.


- Jimmy Durante




I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.


- Zsa Zsa Gabor




Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:  
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.


- Alex Levine




My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.


- Rodney Dangerfield




Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.


- Spike Milligan




Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.


- Joe Namath




I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.


- Bob Hope




I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.


- W. C. Fields




We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.


- Will Rogers




Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.


- Winston Churchill




Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,  
fall out, or spread out.


- Phyllis Diller




By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good spit it out.




May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.



Sent from my iPhone...
Excuse mistakes

Calvin The Deplorable 14 Funnies


CALVIN the Deplorable 15 Funnies

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Obituary of an old friend

Subject: Obituary-Common Sense, a classic


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

Why the early bird gets the worm;

Life isn't always fair; and

Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.



BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF NORTH KOREA: You have two cows. The government sentences you to jail for 50 years, for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. Then they put the two cows, where they are irradiated by a nuclear bomb.

ENVIROMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the rules say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most"need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Gangster Crew shows up and takes however many cows you have.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have no cows. But you are blasted by commercials that assure you that you have a thousand cows, a thousand bulls, and a ranch bigger than Texas. But you have no cows, no chickens, and no farm or ranch.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million-dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

Saturday, September 19, 2020

Two Old Jewish Men...

Two Old Men. Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

Well, it seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.

"Sam," says Moe, "you know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives.  Sam, you gotta' do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my
friend many years. This favor I'll do for you."  And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant
voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good
news and some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."

"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday!"

Happy Jewish New Year and a Abraham Middle East Peace Deal!

#middleeast #trump #peace

Blameless Society

Seen on Next Door...

Teenager yelling curse words down Moraga Road. Moraga Parents:
If you are the parent to a teenage boy who enjoys yelling “fuck you” to runners and pedestrians walking down Moraga Road please checkyour kid’s behavior.
Its not
The first time...Others told of simar stories while others made excuses ...

50 imaginative excuses of a blameless society: 

Today’s Topic: Things to account for the offensive behaviour of an abusive kid:

- Tourette’s syndrome. 

-  Rap Music.

- Underdeveloped pre frontal cortex.

- Evil Ventriloquist. 

- Hornet infested wardrobe.

- Hijack: Person other than said kid is actually shouting expletives while we assume it is the poor hostage kid instead.

- Radio playing senate hearing live and loud. 

- Soul possessed by banshee. 

- Preparing to audition as zombie slaying hero in yet another remake of movie Zombie Apocalypse very seriously. 

- Picked up hitchhiking Rumpelstiltskin and regrets it intensely and vociferously. 


Please add to the list. 

Most creative entry gets believed.

Friday, May 29, 2020

6 JEWISH JOKES for Kvelling In Place

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.  Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore.    After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?".
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.  She says to the clerk "May I have
50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy god, has it come to this?  Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.  He was asked to spell  "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile responded:  "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.  As the decorator is walking out of the door he
says, "Glad you're happy with the job.  By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.  The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices" asks Moishe
"Yes or no" answered the flight attendant.


10 Best, Most Classic Jewish Jokes