Monday, December 28, 2020

12 things to consider after closing the door on 2020

Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:  

1.     The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2.     I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone.  He asked me what I was wearing.

3.     2019:  Stay away from negative people.  2020:  Stay away from positive people.

4.     The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5.     This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog.  It was obvious she thought her dog understood her.  I came into my house & told my cat.  We laughed a lot.

6.     Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.  Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7.     Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8.     This virus has done what no woman has been able to do.  Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9.     I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10.    I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11.    I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard.  I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12.    Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

Merry Christmas to all and here’s hoping for a happier and healthier New Year!

Feel free to copy and paste, I did 🤣

Friday, December 25, 2020

The Accident and Puns for Educated Minds plus Everyone Needs A Hug

The Accident

Husband's call to wife: "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunatelyit did not cause any serious internal injury. HoweverI have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly. However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East. 

Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?

Puns for Educated Minds

 1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 
3 She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. 
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 
5. No matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationery. 
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
8. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 
14 A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
17. A backward poet writes inverse. 
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' 
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 
25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Everyone Needs A Hug -