Words to Live By

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older: 

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. 

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

 #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 #6 Men have two motivations: hunger and sex, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. 

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. 

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 ##3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow

 All of us could take a

Lesson

Some Short Ones 

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again." The blonde turns and says, "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey beeatch!" 

Q: What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid? A: "No, she isn't."

Q: If "I am" is the shortest sentence in the world, what is the longest sentence? A: "I do!"

True Transcriptions from Court Reporters

Court Reporter: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES???? These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan! 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 

WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 

WITNESS: July 18th. 

ATTORNEY: What year? 

WITNESS: Every year. 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 

WITNESS: Forty-five years. 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

WITNESS: I forget. 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 

WITNESS: Getting laid 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 

WITNESS: None. 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 

WITNESS: By death. 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 

WITNESS: Take a guess. 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 

WITNESS: Oral... 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 

And last: 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 

WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 

WITNESS: No.. 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Elderly Couple 

An “elderly” couple go to the doctor. The wife says, “Can you see if there is something you can do for him. We haven’t had sex in a long time. We tried everything and nothing works, not even the miracle pill.” The doctor performs a number of tests and calls them back into his office. 

Well, you have 3 options: 1) for $5,000 we can perform minor surgery and you can have sex twice a year. 2) for $10,000, a little more complicated surgery, you can have sex every 3 months. 3) for $35,000 we can perform major surgery and you can have sex once a month.

Please go out to the waiting room and discuss your options and let me know your decision. A half hour later they come back into the office. The doctor asks, have you made a decision. 

Yes, we have, says the couple. What have you decided? We decided to redo the kitchen...

Birthday Wishes?

Birthday! Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Never Too Old...

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life ...

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People' 

2. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 

3. My mind works like lightning … one brilliant flash and it is gone. 

4. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 

6. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

9. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way...

Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor? You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. 

 SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

 WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

 BEATLES OR STONES: I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight track tapes. 

MEMORIES I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

 MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

AND FINALLY: A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench. She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years". She then said, "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!". He then said, "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!". She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife! She was stunned again and after a long long pause she said, “So you're SINGLE???”

12 things to consider after closing the door on 2020

Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:  

1.     The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2.     I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone.  He asked me what I was wearing.

3.     2019:  Stay away from negative people.  2020:  Stay away from positive people.

4.     The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5.     This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog.  It was obvious she thought her dog understood her.  I came into my house & told my cat.  We laughed a lot.

6.     Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.  Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7.     Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8.     This virus has done what no woman has been able to do.  Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9.     I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10.    I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11.    I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard.  I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12.    Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

Merry Christmas to all and here’s hoping for a happier and healthier New Year!

Feel free to copy and paste, I did 🤣

The Accident and Puns for Educated Minds plus Everyone Needs A Hug

The Accident

Husband's call to wife: "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. “The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly. However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East. 

“Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?

 

 

Puns for Educated Minds

 1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 

3 She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14 A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Everyone Needs A Hug -

 

Dems' Modus Operandi

Dems' Modus Operandi -The Lawyer with 12 kids

A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children,

needed to move because his rental agreement

was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said, he had 12 children,

no one would rent a home to him because they

felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children,

because he couldn't lie.

Now we all know lawyers cannot, and do not lie...

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to

see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and

the price was right -- the agent asked:

"How many children do you have?

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered

“Well, they're in the cemetery with their mother."

 

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie,

one only has to choose the right words…

and don't forget,

most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

 

MORE-http://wakeupamerica.roadtosuccess.us/2020/11/election-central-its-not-over-for-trump-support-honest-elections/

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