Economic Models Explained Using Goats

Economic Models Explained Using Goats
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You have 2 goats.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 goats.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
You have 2 goats.
The FASCISMState takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 goats.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 goats.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two goats.
You sell one and buy a kid.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two goats.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four goats.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the goat has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two goats.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four goats back, with a tax exemption for five goats.

5 Undeniable Facts of Life

5 Undeniable Facts of Life  

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1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.  

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.  

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.  

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband  

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.  

I haven't verified these on "Snopes," but they sound about right!!

 

 

 

THE 5 ANSWERS YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR (again not verified by “Snopes”) !!!

 

 

1. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

     A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.

 

 

2. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

     A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear .

 

 

3. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

     A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they

          take your house and car with them.

 

 

4. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

     A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

 

 

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

  

 

Nominated as the world's best short joke :

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

 

 

 

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Some of your best ever, Dean. All great. Thanks

Show quoted text

How Bad Is The Economy?

This is how bad the economy is:

THE DOLLAR STORE is now the $1.25 Store. 

1. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can not afford batteries.

3. CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

4. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

5. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

6. If the bank returns your check marked ‟Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

7. McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

8. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

9. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

10.A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

11. A picture is now only worth 200 words.

12. THE DOLLAR STORE is now the $1.25 Store. This last one is fact.

 

NOOM -Stop Dieting. A healthier you, wherever you are. Top New weight loss without the effort

 #diet #stopdieting #health

#weightloss

True Transcriptions from Court Reporters

Court Reporter: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES???? These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan! 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 

WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 

WITNESS: July 18th. 

ATTORNEY: What year? 

WITNESS: Every year. 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 

WITNESS: Forty-five years. 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

WITNESS: I forget. 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 

WITNESS: Getting laid 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 

WITNESS: None. 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 

WITNESS: By death. 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 

WITNESS: Take a guess. 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 

WITNESS: Oral... 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 

And last: 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 

WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 

WITNESS: No.. 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Elderly Couple 

An “elderly” couple go to the doctor. The wife says, “Can you see if there is something you can do for him. We haven’t had sex in a long time. We tried everything and nothing works, not even the miracle pill.” The doctor performs a number of tests and calls them back into his office. 

Well, you have 3 options: 1) for $5,000 we can perform minor surgery and you can have sex twice a year. 2) for $10,000, a little more complicated surgery, you can have sex every 3 months. 3) for $35,000 we can perform major surgery and you can have sex once a month.

Please go out to the waiting room and discuss your options and let me know your decision. A half hour later they come back into the office. The doctor asks, have you made a decision. 

Yes, we have, says the couple. What have you decided? We decided to redo the kitchen...

Never Too Old...

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life ...

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People' 

2. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 

3. My mind works like lightning … one brilliant flash and it is gone. 

4. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 

6. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

9. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way...

Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor? You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. 

 SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

 WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

 BEATLES OR STONES: I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight track tapes. 

MEMORIES I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 

 MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 

AND FINALLY: A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench. She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years". She then said, "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!". He then said, "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!". She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife! She was stunned again and after a long long pause she said, “So you're SINGLE???”

15 Classic Magazine Ads

 

15 Classic Magazine Ads

 

Famous Quotes, er, Quotes By Famous People (the Quotes may not be so famous)

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad. 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have   remained a virgin.'   - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter.  Let’s not forget Billie)   <><>     I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'   - Eleanor Roosevelt   <><>     Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.   I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.   - Mark Twain   <><>     The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.   - George Burns   <><>     Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.   - Victor Borge   <><>     Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.   - Mark Twain   <><>     By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,   you'll become a philosopher.   - Socrates   <><>     I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.   - Groucho Marx   <><>     My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.   - Jimmy Durante   <><>     I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.   - Zsa Zsa Gabor   <><>     Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:   alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.   - Alex Levine   <><>     My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.   - Rodney Dangerfield   <><>     Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.   - Spike Milligan   <><>     Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.   - Joe Namath   <><>     I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.   - Bob Hope   <><>     I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.   - W. C. Fields   <><>     We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.   - Will Rogers   <><>     Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.   - Winston Churchill   <><>     Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,   fall out, or spread out.   - Phyllis Diller   <><>     By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.   - Billy Crystal   And the cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good spit it out.   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

 

Trudy 

Sent from my iPhone...

Excuse mistakes

Sex is Gods Joke

'SEX is God's joke on men.  LOVE is God's joke on women'  - Mort Sahl, 12-17 at Throckmorton Theater, Mill Valley, CA

Hear Sahl every Thursday night at 7 pm  PT Throckmorton or on Periscope or @MortSahl  ... on right now as we post this...

Sahl also mentioned his influences as Bob Hope and Will Rogers.. also 'Too bad you can't get the news anywhere today....'

Entertain Your Dinner Guests With A Miniature French Chef Literally At Your Table!

Entertain Your Dinner Guests With A Miniature French Chef Literally At Your Table! 


This is a clever concept that also cuts down on any need for small talk. The French restaurant «Le Petit Chef» (Little Chef) came up with an original way to entertain guests while waiting for their orders. Using a projector on the ceiling and animation on the table, a small chef appears to prepare your plate. It makes for a good laugh and an amusing interlude while you wait for your real order. Sound up.