6 JEWISH JOKES for Kvelling In Place

  1)  THE SINKING BOAT

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.  Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore.    After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?".

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

2) CHANUKAH STAMPS

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.  She says to the clerk "May I have

50 Chanukah stamps please."

"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this?  Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32

reform!"

3) THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.  He was asked to spell  "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile responded:  "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

4) THE MEZUZAHS

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.

He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.  As the decorator is walking out of the door he

says, "Glad you're happy with the job.  By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

5) MOISHE

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.  The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

 

6) MEAL TIME ON EL-AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices" asks Moishe

"Yes or no" answered the flight attendant.

--

10 Best, Most Classic Jewish Jokes